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Colorado Dreamin' Tuesday, May. 04, 2004 ~ 3:32 p.m. previous ~ ~ ~ next I had the most disturbing dream last night... (Incidentally, in case you were wondering, the post title was supposed to be a play on the song title: California Dreamin'. I'm lame, yes, yes, I know. Thanks for sharing.) So yes, I realize that dreams are of interest to no one but the dreamer, but this is my journal. :) And I'd really like to think out what exactly it means. So, I guess you could always go look at some random post, although there aren't that many here... It started out with me at... a high school football game? A play? Something. And I saw Mom and Dad and Larry sitting in the bleachers a little ways away. Far enough that we couldn't just shout to hear each other, close enough to see facial expressions clearly. Dad wouldn't look at me; Mom looked... I don't know. I can't remember now. I don't think I even saw whether or not there was an expression on her face. The only word that comes to mind now is "neutral" but I really don't remember what her face looked like. And Larry... Larry looked at me and tried to smile, except it came out more as a grimace than anything else. But I could tell he was trying. So I went to go see them after the game (play?) was over, and I thought I was just trying to ask about reconciliation, but somehow, it became about me going back to live with them. So, the next thing I know, we're in Old Blue (pickup truck), "we" being me, Mom, and Larry. Mom was driving (which is all wrong, because Larry never lets anyone else drive) and we were talking... I guess about how things were going to be. After a bit, Larry nodded, as if he were satisfied, and then, just... got out of the truck. We didn't stop, or anything, he just, opened the door, stepped out, and was at the farm. (I don't know! It's a dream!) So, Mom and I talked. I think some more about what the ground rules would be for me to stay there. And then we got to the farm, and, of course, Larry was already there. So I came in and, suddenly, it was night. I go into my parents' bedroom, I don't remember why exactly, now, a bad dream, maybe? That's really the only reason I'd go into their room at night... And instead of being Mom and Dad in the bed, it was Mom and Larry. And the fact that it was Larry instead of Dad didn't faze me. Mom told me to climb in (which is what makes me think I was going in there with a bad dream; I used to have nightmares, and I would go crawl into bed and tell Mom about it and get hugged and then go back to my own bed, even when I was much too old to still be needing comforting from nightmares), and I obediently did. Except that then Mom was gone and it was just Larry and he was naked. Erk. Then it was morning, and it was... I don' t know, business as usual, I guess. I got up to work on my chores, cleaning the bathroom, specifically, and then I woke up. . : : . ~ . : : . ~ . : : . Ok, easily dismissed aspects: -finding Larry next to me in bed, naked. That's often been a recurrent nightmare left over from what happened. Not unusual that it would be woven in with a dream about them. -seeing Mom and Larry in bed together. Manifestation of the facts. I've heard them not seen them together, but same difference in dream land. Things to consider: -I was alone in the dream. Anthony wasn't there with me. Which, I guess, makes sense because a good portion of all of this needs to be worked out between me and my family and Anthony isn't an actor on this stage; he's support. -What started out as a petition for some sort of reconciliation turned into me being utterly submissive to Larry, and things being back to a normal which was anything but. Figuring out how to reconcile is something I haven't really faced. Not in any realistic way. I've thought about reconcilation with my parents if he wasn't there, what I'd say, what I'd do, what we'd need to discuss. I've intellectually grasped that Larry isn't going anywhere and, in order for there to be a reconcilation in real life, I will have to take Larry into account. It's not something I've grasped emotionally, yet. But I think I'm starting to, which is where this bit of the dream comes in. Larry cannot accept having anyone part of his life in any significant way without being in control of that person. If I came back into the picture, I would be significant, not necessarily to him (although I think I would be, even though neither of us would want it) but definitely for my parents and for Nicky. (Nick. He's 18 now, I shouldn't call him Nicky anymore.) And that would be an aspect that he couldn't control. I don't think he's capable of handling that because it means his world isn't safe. And he would force my parents to make a choice between him and me. I've already lost that contest once. I doubt the outcome would be any different a second time. So was this about getting myself to accept that reconcilation is pretty near impossible? Because I can't go back to being who I was... and I wouldn't even if I thought I was capable of doing it. -My dad is pretty much nowhere in this dream. Is that because I've already got a reconcilation, of sorts, with him? Or is it because he wouldn't be the major influence... or, if I'm being brutally honest, any influence... in a situation like this? -Does this have anything to do with my recent obsession with possibly moving to Colorado? We'd pretty much laid it to rest about moving out there, until the GPB launch. And now, I realize just how much the JIMO project would mean to Anthony. It's amazing to me that he would be willing to give that up, just because I think (thought?) I'd be unhappy moving back to Colorado. So I've been contemplating re-opening that discussion... which would mean, obviously, a greater chance of moving back to Colorado. And that's a whole 'nother list of pros and cons I'm not ready to face yet. I guess those are pretty much all of the things I see that I needed to talk out. How many days until finals? What was one good thing that happened today? Miscellaney: ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Tell me what you think. Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site �::Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: Maybe Dad wasn't in the dream because he wasn't a factor in the things that happened with Larry. It's a nightmare, and part of the nightmare at the time may have been that Dad didn't really "know" about all the stuff going on. [2004-05-04 21:11:33] More Ilsa :: More Ilsa's Site �::More Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: I've heard that dreams are your unconscious mind's way of trying out solutions to problems that may, or have already, come up. Anthony and your Dad can't be in the dream because they can't help deal with Larry and your mom, or Larry's....past abusiveness or future inapropriateness. [2004-05-04 21:49:18] Ridiculous Amounts of Ilsa :: Ridiculous Amounts of Ilsa's Site �::Ridiculous Amounts of Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: I just read what you wrote again and everything I wrote you had already figured out. Sorry. Do you ever notice that Hallmark makes no Older Abusive Pedofiliac Adulterous Disgusting "Family Friend" Day cards? Shouldn't that be his cue to hit the road? Feh. I tell ya. I snap and he's the first to go... [2004-05-04 21:56:46] Tessa :: Tessa's Site �::Tessa's Comment(s)�:: Ilsa, I love you! :) You know, that's amazing that Hallmark doesn't make those cards. You'd think there'd be... erk. I was going to make a flippant remark about how you'd think there'd be a great demand for them, but that's really not something I want to think about... But it's nice to have an independent review come up with some of the same answers I did. :) [2004-05-05 10:31:33] ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Cast List ~ ~ ~ Kitties, kitties everywhere ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005

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