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previous ~ ~ ~ next Last night, Anthony and I had a fight, and it got me to thinking. Oh, it wasn�t a major fight, no worries. It�s just a matter of what he said versus what I heard. For instance, we were talking about school admission and registration. Anthony�s interpretation of a statement Ilsa made was that I had never actually been admitted to the school on my previous tries. The fact is the class registration is what went awry, but the admissions application was just fine and accepted. Anyway, we were talking about what I needed to do for classes in January, and he made his statement, and I got upset and defensive because, well, here� : What he said: "Ilsa said you never got officially admitted before." What I heard: "You failed. You didn't get admitted. Can't you even do something that simple right?" What he meant: "I'm worried for you. Is everything working out ok?" What he said: "Do you need help making sure that [admissions application and class registration] happens?" What I heard: "You've screwed it up the last three times and obviously don't know how to do it on your own. I'd better make sure it gets done right this time because you can't." What he meant: "Can I help you with getting ready for school?" And the thing is, today, looking at the argument we had, I know it's all about me re-interpreting what he's saying to mean what I feel about myself. What he was saying was relatively neutral, hedging on the side of him being concerned for me. There was no implication in any of the things he said that he thinks I'm a failure and a screw up. And of course, the poor guy has to deal with my neuroses, because I do feel like I've ruined my previous attempts, and that this time I'll spoil it all, too. Sometimes. I mean, not all the time. Most of the time, I'm just really, really excited. I look at the work on my desk and start to feel overwhelmed... and then it hits me: I'm only here for about 2 more months. Amazing! This is not all consuming and I'll do my best and move on. It will be ok. And I think: I can remember all the information I forgot, I can remember how to learn! And then there are moments, like when I walked out of the Chemistry placement test when I think: I am so very, very screwed. What the hell am I doing? I'm giving up a stable, good-paying job, to go back to school and probably fail?!?! Don't get me wrong. I'm committed now and there's no doubt that I'll be starting on January 3rd. I won't have a job after December 24th. There's no choice... and in a way, that's very comforting. I can't back out like I've done so many times before. There were always excuses before, and they've all been stripped away. I feel naked without them. I also feel liberated. This all sounds terribly cliche, doesn't it??? I know I keep harping on all of this these days. It just seems... so big. And it is. I know this is a huge opportunity. How many couples who have been married for only a year can afford to have only one person working, and not only that, but the other person costing money, without having to do much belt tightening at all? We are so blessed. I know this. I do. And I'm immensely grateful for all of it. But that doesn't erase the fears. And it doesn't make me worry any less that I'm wasting time and money by going back to something I might not (couldn't possibly, a part of me whispers) succeed in completing, or even doing well enough to get along. They're the same whispers, and sometimes shouts, of self-doubt I've been longing for so long to defeat. It's getting better. The closer I get to going back to school, the more excitement I feel building, and the less doubt and fear. It seems like the fear just comes in spurts, now. I can do this. I can. And I'm going to. I'm going to do so well. I'm going to fly. I'm going to reach for my dreams, and it's going to be beautiful. I know it. How many days until finals? 72 still. For another hour or so. What was one good thing that happened today? 10. Eesh! This is coming so, so fast! Miscellaney: John has only just left now. Literally, 4 minutes ago. At 11:11 pm. Bleh! Tell me what you think. Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site �::Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: I hate John. I'm sorry I contributed to a fight. I won't let you fail. We have a deal, remember? [2004-10-23 02:46:35] solemne :: solemne's Site �::solemne's Comment(s)�:: you will never fail, because you have the desire to succeed. failure only comes from giving up, and you won't. :) [2004-10-25 20:53:14] Tessa :: Tessa's Site �::Tessa's Comment(s)�:: Ilsa: No, it's not your fault. It really isn't. It's something that's been coming up off and on pretty frequently. It's something I'd been kind of noticing, and it's something I've been wanting to write about for quite a while. It just happened that this particular example, which was fresh in my mind, vaguely involved you. Mwah. Solemne: Encouraging words are always deeply appreciated. Thank you! [2004-10-29 02:39:24] Short one ~ ~ ~ Hiya Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
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