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previous ~ ~ ~ next So, I found out that my mom's going to be home by herself this weekend. Which means that I'm going to call her and she might actually pick up and talk to me. I might be able to ask why she returned the letter*. I might be able to see how she's doing. I might be able to tell her what's going on. I'll probably end up getting the voice mail. I'll probably end up crying. I'll probably end up saying all the wrong things and not saying all the things I want to. I'm terrified. I'm excited. I have butterflies in my stomach. I don't even know what I'm feeling, but the more I think about it the more nervous I get. This has the potential to go so well. It also has the potential to not be any different than the last half-dozen times I've tried to talk to her and that would break my heart. Ack! I thought writing here would help me be less nervous and get things straightened out in my head but it's only making it worse. Sorry folks... Go back to my previous entry. It's a lot more interesting. Or wait for my next one because I've got an interesting question there... *The letter. Well, see, short version is I was abused (verbally, emotionally, and sexually) by a man that we lived with (Larry) from the time I was 14 until I was 19. I tried telling my mom when I was 15 and her response was, "I know." Nothing changed. I kept burying it and coping in other ways until the summer after Joseph died and I came out to California. I found God--or, really, He found me--and for the first time since it had all happened, I didn't feel worthless. Except... prior to finding God, I had started telling people what had happened to me, specifically Anthony. Except the things I was talking about sounded so very petty compared to how badly I was hurting that it didn't seem to add up. So I kept saying worse and worse things until what I was saying sounded as horrible as I felt. And once God talked to me (and yes, Marn, I do firmly believe that He talked directly to me), I began to realize that I needed to do something about it. Except at that point, I was falling in love with Anthony, and I was so sure that, if I told him the truth, that I'd made a lot of things up, that first of all, he wouldn't believe any of it, and second of all, that he would hate me. It escalated and escalated for over a year and a half, to the point where I swallowed enough pills that I was sure I wouldn't wake up in the morning, and I was ok with that. By the grace of God, I didn't die, even though I should have, and came to the realization that I had to do something about this. I came to the point where I could say, "Even if I have nothing and no one else in the world but God, He is enough for me." And I told both Anthony and the rest of my family and waited for everyone to leave me. It didn't happen, surprisingly. So from there, I tried to resolve things with my parents. And I wrote this series of journal entries at the old place to get everything out, and then tried to write an apology letter to Larry for the lies I'd told. It took me a very, very long time to get that letter written, and some silly, naive part of me thought that would resolve everything. It came back marked return to sender, but had been carefully opened and re-sealed. So, that's the letter that I want to know about. Exceedingly long explanation for a passing comment. Sorry folks. How many days until finals? What was one good thing that happened today? Miscellaney: Tell me what you think. solemne :: solemne's Site �::solemne's Comment(s)�:: You always tell me that we have been in similar situations, and now I can say the same to you. In this situation, I wish I could say that I didn't, but I do. I love you too. [2004-07-25 21:52:57] Tessa :: Tessa's Site �::Tessa's Comment(s)�:: Oh, honey... You know what? I'm so not responding to this here in the comments section. I'm sending you an e-mail... [2004-07-28 09:30:18] Our Soldiers... No, My Soldiers ~ ~ ~ Two things Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
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