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previous ~ ~ ~ next Hey Leesh, I was thinking yesterday, about our friendship, about how far apart we've drifted, how different we've become... how little we have in common anymore. There were so many things we shared, experiences and ideas, pain and anger, hopes and dreams, and now... now there's just this grey nothing. There wasn't any big blow up, no screaming, ranting fight. No one would have believed it; after all the noisy battles, shouting each other down in the cafeteria, sparring on the lawn, debating absurd points in History... after all of that, here we are somehow just drifting farther and farther away from each other. The truth is, if I'd really stopped to think about it, our friendship couldn't end that way, couldn't possibly go out with a brawl... because we know how to deal with that. We know when to give each other just enough space to cool down and when to wade in and duke it out. Or at least... we knew how to do that. Now, though... now I barely know you, barely hear your dreams or your plans, barely understand the life you're living anymore. And I hear the confusion in your voice when I try to explain why I'm so happy being who I am now, that I don't have the least desire to go back to being who I was. She was strong, yes, on the outside at least... and maybe she wasn't as vulnerable... but I got so tired of building up those walls, thicker and thicker, higher and higher... until I wasn't sure how to let my friends in, or even if I still could, if anyone knew "the real me" because I didn't know that person, I didn't know who I was or what I wanted (other than to get as far away from everything that hurt as possible). My dreams of going to the moon... that was nothing more than running away. Oh, I'm still very much interested in the research, but I hear the disappointment in your voice when I tell you that because you feel like I've given up on my dreams for him. And I don't know how to make you understand that it's not that way at all. I don't know how to explain to you that I don't need to run away anymore. And all the things we liked so much about each other, our determination, stubborn pride, the fierce loyalty, and all the things we had in common, somehow that's all just slipped away, drowned somewhere in the greyness our friendship has become. The funny thing is, one of the things we both loved so much about each other was the determination not to take the easy way out. Our worst fights were because of the times I did... the time I went back to my parents even though you were willing to shelter me. At the time, I didn't know how to let you do it, I didn't know how to tell my heart it was ok to let go, to trust you, to know that you wouldn't let them get to me, not ever. And even if I'd found the words, I think they would have hurt you worse at the time than I did by rolling over and going back home when they came to get me. But that's not the point I was trying to make; the point is, I'm not sure what to do now. It would be so easy to just let our friendship keep drifting away, to put off calling you for another couple days or wait to respond to that e-mail because I'm just too busy to do it right now. But we haven't often taken the easy way out... and I don't think I want to start now. I miss the friendship we had. I miss being able to talk to you, to hear you excited about something, anything, to know what's going on in your life. I miss being able to share things with you. Even though it's going to take a lot of work, I just... I just wanted to tell you, I still love you. We've been through too much together to let our friendship go like this. So, whaddaya say? Love, Me. How many days until finals? What was one good thing that happened today? Miscellaney: Tell me what you think. The Lowdown on the School Situation ~ ~ ~ No Inspiration Here Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
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