|
|
|
previous ~ ~ ~ next This morning, the pain was so bad in my elbow, it was actually making me nauseous. So, back two entries, I commented on me not taking my aspirin even though I should have, not to mention that I hadn't taken anything for the pain until late this morning. And I got to thinking about why I'm so resistant to taking the medication, given what I know. In spite of all my grumbling about helping with nursing orientation, I've learned all kinds of fascinating things. (Like a defibrillator doesn't start your heart but stops it so that it can re-establish an appropriate rhythm by itself. How weird is that?) Anyway, something else I've learned is about pain management. Studies (serious medical community studies, not the "studies" always quoted in commercials) have proven that unrelieved pain is a huge impediment to proper healing because it causes all kinds of stresses in the body and tends to flood you with various chemicals that actually hinder the healing process. So, knowing these things, you'd think I'd be more conscientous about taking pain relievers. But I'm not. And I know why that is, really; I just don't like to deal with it. See... there was a point... um, I guess about 2 1/2 years ago now? I'm not very clear on the timeline... where I tried to commit suicide. The weird thing was, I was a Christian by that time. I believed whole-heartedly in God. I just didn't think that I deserved to have Him rescue me from the situation I had caused, that I had gotten myself into. Maybe I didn't think he was big enough to do it. I'm not sure. A particular problem* had been festering and escalating for the previous... I guess that would make it 1 1/2 years, and I didn't see any way out. So I took this huge handful of aspirin, probably half of one of those big bottles. The container said it had 300 pills. I went to sleep thinking, "I'm not going to wake up." And I was ok with that. But I did wake up the next morning, and I can only attribute it to God. I was queasy and felt dizzy and distant. Detached, maybe, would be a better word. Given how many I took, I should have thrown up and been in intense pain, since I survived the night. I wasn't. I stayed home from work, and I prayed a lot. I had this long conversation with God, and came to the point where I could say to Him, "You are enough for me. Even if I lose everyone and everything else, You are enough." And I could do the right thing and tell the truth. It didn't make it easy, not by a long shot, but it made it possible. It turned out ok. I somehow doubt that God was overly pleased with how I tried to resolve it, but He turned it to good, and I can't even begin to describe how thankful for that I am. But the thing is, at the time, I wanted to dump every single aspirin jar in the entire apartment because just looking at it made me queasy and frightened all over again. I did throw out the other half of the bottle I took. But I made myself keep the others because I didn't want to be scared of aspirin the rest of my life. The thing is, I just couldn't bring myself to ever use it. I'd complain about a headache, and Anthony would offer to get me aspirin--months, eventually years after this whole thing--and I'd tell him no, that I'd tough it out so that I didn't build up a resistance to the medicine. And some part of me really believed that was all it was. But it isn't. And so I find myself today, with my elbow absolutely killing... ah, maybe a different phrase would be best right now... with my elbow really hurting an awful lot, and having to force myself to go take a pain reliever. I guess this is one more thing to add to the list of what I eventually need to discuss with a counselor. *I know this is a vague statement, but one of the posts I'm working on is an explanation of all that. Either that, or I'm going to import posts from the old place. Sorry... explanations to come soon. Err... given my track record, I should probably just say eventually. How many days until finals? What was one good thing that happened today? Miscellaney: Tell me what you think. Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site �::Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: Tylenol is better on your stomach anyway. And maybe for things like cramps or reducing swelling, you could do Aleve. You are a different person than you were. [2004-09-08 16:33:08] Tessa :: Tessa's Site �::Tessa's Comment(s)�:: This is true. :) [2004-09-19 03:41:13] Always seems to happen that way ~ ~ ~ Girls' Night, Gardening, and a Disclaimer Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
|
|