|
|
|
previous ~ ~ ~ next Previously on havechosen I vowed to take my test. I did. It was negative, as expected. I cried, as expected... I also felt a little relieved, not as expected. And then I felt guilty for feeling relieved. I mean, I know me not being pregnant means that I'll be able to focus on school and am likely to get my degree where I wouldn't be otherwise. I also know how badly I would like to be able to have a baby. *tangent--well, partial tangent--warning* Did I write about when I first found out I had PCOS? Because the doctor told me I'd never have children naturally. Which, to me, means I wouldn't be able to conceive under any circumstances. Turns out, that's not true and there are various medications/hormones I can take that make it possible, even probable, that I could become pregnant. In spite of having this information in my head and knowing intellectually that it's really not a big deal, my heart continues to believe that I'm defective and should be returned to the store. Fortunately for me, Anthony doesn't agree with my heart and I haven't been--and won't be--returned to the store. *end partial tangent* Having said that, some part of me desperately wants to be able to get pregnant without those medical assists, to prove that I'm not, in fact, broken. And at the same time as I'm wishing for this, I'm hoping I don't because I want to go back to school and be able to pursue my dreams and be able to teach and research. So why do I feel selfish and guilty for being relieved to find that I'm not pregnant? How many days until finals? What was one good thing that happened today? Miscellaney: Tell me what you think. Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site �::Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: Nothing is ever simple, especially feelings. When it's time for your miracles to happen, then they will happen. If it comes to pass that you need medical intervention to reproduce then maybe consider that someone is saving up your mircales for a time they forsee that you will really need them. Know what I mean? [2004-09-01 16:30:01] solemne :: solemne's Site �::solemne's Comment(s)�:: Aw, Love. Don't feel guilty about anything. You are entitled to feel what you feel. Everyone's pain is their own, and only they truly know how to feel it. [2004-09-04 22:16:08] Tessa :: Tessa's Site �::Tessa's Comment(s)�:: I like that thought. I think it's something I'm going to hold onto. :) Saving my miracles for when they're really needed instead of using them up on something I can get around in other ways. :) Thank you. Solemne, thank you. :) I sometimes need permission to feel my own feelings. If that makes sense... [2004-09-19 03:25:54] Ditto ~ ~ ~ Entirely too much about my bosses Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
|
|