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previous ~ ~ ~ next I started writing this two days ago. Sorry it's taken so long. This is what I was referencing in #5 on the bad news list last post, in case anyone was wondering. Wednesday, May. 10, 2005 11:44 p.m. Today was (well, is) my dad's birthday. So I actually gave him a call, which went... sort of well. (This is different than the situation with my mom, even though they're married and live in the same house, because dad has a cell phone and I can call him while he's at work.) See, the chatting part of it went really well, up until I asked how Mother's Day went. That's when Dad told me that... they're thinking of adopting another child. They're looking at adopting a special needs child, about 10 years old. Now, I realize this is very selfish, but the first thought that went through my mind was, "But I don't want to be replaced!" Imagine that as the wail of a heart-broken 9-year-old child, because that's about how I felt. I know them choosing to adopt another child, or at least considering this, is not all about me... but it's mighty hard not to feel as if they're saying, "Whoops! Well, that one didn't turn out so well, let's find another." Please, no lectures on my being selfish and/or self-centered. I totally understand that the decision to adopt is about wanting another child, not the interpretations I'm putting on it. I really do get that. And at the same time, I can't help but feel as if... as if they're saying, well, everything went pretty well, up until she turned 10. So, if we just get another about that age, we ought to be able to get her to turn out right. I feel as if... if this thing happens, then that's it, that's final, and I am truly, completely out of their lives for good. Because... because they'd have a replacement. Because how can you consider adopting and not tell one of the children you already have?!?!? I mean, yes, Dad did tell me, but I'm not supposed to know. Not to mention the fact that I would have a sibling I've never even met. And a sibling who, if she knew about me at all, would think I'm evil incarnate. That breaks my heart, too. Aside from all of that, though, how can I stand by and let them adopt a child and raise that child in the same environment I was raised in? Except, of course, that I'm not supposed to know anything about this whole idea, and it would be rather difficult to explain how I came by this knowledge. I don't imagine it's something they've precisely broadcast, yet. So saying I heard about it from my friends, while a viable response in terms of knowing my brother will be graduating in May, is not reasonable for knowing about top-secret adoption plans. So, here's my problem. I've been willing to kind of... let everything slide. I certainly never intended to try any sort of prosecution for what Larry did. But... if I don't, and they adopt another child, how can I stand by and do nothing? How can I, with any sort of good conscience, allow another child to be mistreated so badly? The answer is, of course, that I can't. The consequences of that action will be, amongst (among? can't remember which is proper...) other things, loss of contact with my father, either because Larry and/or Mom found out we've been talking or because he's so pissed at me for pressing charges he doesn't believe are valid that he tells me to go away. And I hate that prospect. I particularly hate the circus it will put everyone through, if this happens. I don't even know if I've got the strength to go through with it. I don't want to drag it all through the mud again and go through the shame of what happened, on top of the shame of my original actions in exaggerating/lying about what happened, on top of the shame of the lies that will be told about me. (When everything happened, the first time around and we got in the huge fight, Mom accused me of having gone into Larry's bedroom and said that they had to watch me to keep me OUT of his room. Can I even begin to tell you how infuriating and humiliating that was, even heard second-hand from my aunt? How can I possibly cope with something like that face to face?) If I have to, I will, but it's something I'm dreading, that's for sure. Right now, I'm in the curious position of being grateful to Larry because he's vetoing the adoption, at this point. Mostly because they're considering a special needs child. I think he would ok the adoption otherwise. Honestly, though, what this really points out to me is how hypocritical I've been, to leave my brother in the same situation and not do anything to get him out of there. Because, if I'm willing to go to such lengths to rescue a child I've never met... why haven't I already done those things for my brother, who I know and love? How have I justified leaving him where he is? I mean, I know that he hates change, I mean, really hates change and upsetting his schedule, he's this close to graduating, and might, potentially have an assisted living situation close to happening. But that's now. What about the last 4 years? And I can't do anything about that, then, but what about now? Should I do something now, with him so close to finishing high school and maybe getting out on his own? What if that upsets everything and they decide I'm out of my mind and disregard what I say and he's stuck there longer, in a worse position? I feel like I'm paralyzed. No, I feel like I'm making excuses not to have to confront them, not to have to face what happened. And I really don't like this. I don't know what to say. I'm not really sure how I feel. Hurt, guilty, terrified, anxious, angry... well, pretty much the same gamut of emotions I was hoping to avoid by not calling on Mother's Day. Isn't that ironic? How many days until finals? 42! Hey! The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything! That's gotta be good! What was one good thing that happened today? I got to talk to two of my friends today! Nice, long chatty conversations Miscellaney: I'm so tired, I'm getting goofy. Someone better stop me. Tell me what you think. Ilsa Pilsa Punkin and Pie :: Ilsa Pilsa Punkin and Pie's Site �::Ilsa Pilsa Punkin and Pie's Comment(s)�:: You are completely irreplaceable. [2005-05-13 04:28:31] Tessa :: Tessa's Site �::Tessa's Comment(s)�:: Good thing someone thinks so. :) (No, that wasn't a pity party. Just being silly.) [2005-05-13 12:49:22] Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site �::Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: Don't make me take another poll... [2005-05-14 03:30:00] Ignore this ~ ~ ~ Go see her. Now. Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
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