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previous ~ ~ ~ next So, before I get into my maundering, happy Mother's Day to those of you out there who are mothers. I hope your loved ones lavished you with wine and roses or some variation thereof which makes you thoroughly blissful. (Did I use proper grammar there? Somehow, it just looks wrong...) If you can, and you haven't yet today, make sure to tell your mom you love her, ok? And if you can't, well, I'll think good thoughts in your direction. For those of you who know me, you know that today is a rough day for me, in some ways, even more so now that I have some contact with Dad but none with Mom. It's rough because... because... ah, hell, I go through this at least once a year... because, quite frankly, I want my mommy. I'm 23 years old, and I haven't gotten through a Mother's Day in the last 4 years without sobbing. This is the first year I didn't try to call, though. Not because I've given up. I can't and won't do that now, and hopefully, not ever. But right now... well, Mom taught us a good phrase when we were little. Sometimes, I still think it fits better than any proper adult phrases: my heart hurts. My heart hurts, and I already know what the outcome of the call will be: no answer, and me sobbing, feeling angry, hurt, resentful, guilty, and a plethora of other unpleasant emotions. Most years, I call on her birthday or Mother's Day or around Thanksgiving or Christmas, so I don't say this lightly. It doesn't seem to get any better with time. Most years, the pain seems worth it because... at least, in some way, she knows I'm still thinking about her and loving her... that I haven't given up on her. And I think, no matter how little she says she wants to hear from me, deep down, she still needs that reassurance. But after four years, somehow, this year just seems so much harder. I guess because so much has changed that I want to share with her. I want to be able to tell her that I got straight-A's my first quarter back in school full time. I want to tell her that my first Chemistry teacher was evil and my first Bio teacher is fantastic. I want to tell her that my brain still works and that I'm actually good at this stuff. She already knew that, or at least she did when I didn't, right after Joseph died. I want to tell her that I finally believe in myself again, and what a difference that makes. I want to tell her I don't feel like a failure anymore, and how exciting all this information is. I want to tell her about the little, everyday things that happen between Anthony and me. I just want to tell her I love her and know she hears me and that I'm not just some voicemail message that's erased without being heard. Maybe it's wimping out. It probably is. But I just can't call her this year and leave another broken message where my voice cracks and I start crying and all that comes out is the wrong words, something mundane, as if everything were normal, instead of pouring my heart out and telling her how much I miss her. Maybe this winter I'll have the strength to be able to call her. And maybe I'll even figure out how to say the right words. But right now, my heart hurts, and I don't think I can manage. How many days until finals? 44 What was one good thing that happened today? Um... saw Mom's mom and didn't cry. Miscellaney: My heart hurts. But I think I may have mentioned that already. Tell me what you think. Aunt mary :: Aunt mary's Site �::Aunt mary's Comment(s)�:: Tessa my sweet niece I feel your pain because in some ways i feel it too . I loved your mom a while ago but am having a problem with it now. I know what your are going thru and your and your dad and mom are always in my prayers. I had a dream a few mos ago about her and everything was ok again. She was happy to be with you and all of us. so this is my prayer that this dream will come true love you alots Aunt Mary [2005-05-09 14:05:35] A Mephity Thing to Do ~ ~ ~ What do we want? No complications! No complications! Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
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