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previous ~ ~ ~ next Well, as promised in the previous post, I've finally finished my letter to Alicia. Well, it�s taken me a month to get this finally finished up. I just want you to know, this is straight from the heart. It took so long because it�s awful damn hard to take down all the walls after everything that�s happened between us. It took me a long time to write the first response to your e-mail, because I wasn�t sure quite what I wanted to say. I ended up writing some foo-foo response, saying, hey, that�s great, I guess we�ll just need to work on our friendship. I felt like, if I responded honestly to what you wrote, that we wouldn�t have a friendship. But I don�t want some stupid, superficial friendship anyway. If we�re going to get back to a point where we can really be friends, it�s going to take brutal honesty on both of our parts. It�s also probably why I didn�t save it anywhere because it wasn�t really me and it wasn�t something I wanted to hold onto. So this one is taking much longer than the other to write. Partly because a lot of this hurts to talk about, and partly because it�s really hard to be totally open with you after so long. Some naive part of me expected a "Sure, hey, that'd be great" response from you. I'm not sure why. It's not you. It's not me, either. I guess I just wanted this whole big mess to be... cleaned up... neat and tidy, without all the hurt that comes along with really fixing something this huge. I guess I just want you to know that nothing I�ve written here is intended to be hurtful. I know a lot if it won�t be easy to read, but you went out on a limb and you were open with me, so� Anyway, onto what you said. You wrote: �Tessa, for what it is worth I was thinking along the same lines a few days ago after watching the ya-ya sisterhood. However I was not sure how to bring it u[ or if it was even worth it.�Do you have any idea how mad that statement makes me? That�s the way things always are with us. If I don't call, don't apologize, don't make the effort to mend our relationship, then nothing happens. Ever. BECAUSE. YOU. DON'T. FIX. IT. It's always been me, in all the time in our relationship, there hasn't been once, not one single time that you have apologized first. And I can count on one hand the number of times you�ve apologized to me ever. I mean, it's not like we haven't had our share of fights! We've gone round and round. But it always has to be me who initiates any kind of reconciliation. That's not fair. And if we�re going to have a friendship, it needs to be something that stops. �However it is out there so the least I owe you is to be honest with you as well as myself. We have faded into this grayness because we gave up on each other. The time I needed someone the most you left me hanging. I don't care what your reasons are for doing that it is all ready done.� Ok, let�s get it out in the open. You mention him so many times without actually saying his name in this letter, it�s insane. Joseph. Now, do you realize how unfair your statement is? First you accuse me of letting you down, not being there when you needed me, but then don't give me any chance at all to refute your statement or explain what was going on or remind you of my side of it. Not to mention that you leave me no opportunity to tell you that you let me down, too. You know what? We both hurt after Joseph's death. I know you felt guilty. I know you had to be there at the moment of the accident. I know that you had so many other things going on with you at that moment. But you know what? You are not the only one! We all hurt. And at his funeral, you screamed at me to shut up when I was singing. That was the only way I had right then to express how much I felt, the grief, the hurt, the guilt, the sorrow, the loss� And I think you knew that. After we had that blow-out fight, I wanted, just one time in our friendship, to know that I meant enough to you that you would come to me and apologize. Just once. That�s all I was asking. I didn�t do anything wrong that day. So you�re right, I �left you hanging� when you needed me the most. But I needed you, too, and you weren�t there for me, either. Your pride was more important to you than our friendship, and every time I would go to pick up the phone, to make that call, all I could think was, �I�m not even important enough for her to apologize for hurting me worse. She thinks I�m an embarrassment.� And I couldn�t do it. I needed some reassurance that you valued our friendship, even just a little. And the longer it went without you calling me, the more I felt like our entire friendship was a lie because I didn�t matter to you. I know that I let my pride and my need for reassurance get in the way of our friendship. And I shouldn�t have done that. We both needed each other right then, and we were too wrapped up in our own grief to recognize that. But I can�t go back and change that. I can�t say, like I always used to, that I take all the responsibility for it, though either. I understand that you were hurting, and I know that I never can know just how badly you were wounded by his death. Friendships are all about give and take; I don�t think either one of us had anything left to give at that point. It makes me so mad that you wrote �I don�t care what your reasons are for doing that it is already done.� As if I�m not allowed to comment on it from there, as if I just have to accept your statement and leave it at that. I am not the same girl I was 5 years ago. That girl would have swallowed it and said ok. She would�ve been hurt deep inside and not said anything about it because it might jeopardize our friendship. Me? I need to call you on that behavior because for us to have a friendship, that isn�t ok, either. �However I seen it as a convenient time for you to go ahead and walk something you where all reading intending to do. Because to be honest we where not talking or hanging together before that. Your choice you had made new friends that I never meet.�Now, is this what you honestly think, or were you just trying to wound me? You�re right, we weren�t talking or hanging out much anymore once I went to college. Definitely not by the end of second semester. You say it was my choice that you never met my new friends. Well, maybe that�s true, but it wasn�t for lack of trying. Remember the bowling alley? Remember when I tried to introduce you to a couple of the people I was hanging out with? You couldn�t stand them. You made rude remarks and it damn near turned into a brawl! You made snap judgments and didn�t give them a chance. Why would I try to introduce you to anyone else? You�d already made your mind up. Not to mention that Justin and company went back and complained about how you treated them, so they weren�t likely to take well to you after that. I figured I just had to keep my friends separate. I remember being so frustrated with you, that you would almost never come up to the dorms anymore, that I always had to drive all the way out to see you. There�s another example of a time when I stopped trying so hard because I didn�t have any more to give. Instead of reaching for me, you just let me go. So when we had that big blow-up fight at Joseph�s funeral, and I walked away, I was hoping I meant enough to you that you wouldn�t just let me go that time. It wasn�t a matter of convenience; it wasn�t a matter of me choosing them over you. At that point, it was the simple fact that I had nothing more to give and I needed someone who could give to me and not just take. I know you didn�t like them, but Justin and Mary and Aaron and Luis� all of them were able to give to me and support me at that point. And looking back now, I can�t blame you for not having any more to give either. We were both at the end of our ropes and I was so immersed in what I was going through at the time that I couldn�t see that, couldn�t make any allowances for it. �Anyways when we did start talking you were always to busy for me. To busy to email or write letters or to even read the letters that I sent to you so I quite seeing the point. It felt like a one way road that I had already been done time and time again and always ended up in a place I didn't want to be.� You are 100% right about that. I didn�t make time for you when we started talking again. Probably because, on some level, I wanted to see how committed you were to fixing our relationship. I finally thought about how stupid all the pride and wasted years were, and called you up again. But I still wanted reassurance that I was important and that you were willing to reach out to me and not just let me go again. That wasn�t fair to you. I didn�t respond to the letters, and something did always come up so that I didn�t e-mail or write back. And that�s something I am very sorry for. I know sorry doesn�t fix it, but it�s always been a starting place for us. And I can definitely understand not wanting to end up going down that road. �As for phone calls the calls it seemed you never had anything to say when you could but probably called out of guilt. I had to do all the talking just to have that time with you.�I didn�t realize that�s how you felt about it. I didn�t call out of guilt. I called because I wanted to know what was going on with you. I wanted to hear about your life and your plans and your thoughts. I didn�t ever say much of anything because the people, the things that were the most important to me, you didn�t want to hear anything about. If things were going well with Anthony, you didn�t really want to talk about it. If I wanted to try to talk to you about my relationship with God, you said you didn�t want to hear it. If I tried to tell you about how my dreams were changing or explain that I didn�t know where I wanted to go and how badly that frightened me, you got mad because you felt like I�d been brainwashed. What was there for me to talk about, then? Work? Whoo! My non-existent friends? Talking about imaginary friends got old a long time ago. What I was doing? Well� I wasn�t actually doing much anymore except adjusting to working full time with no school and life in California. I remember getting off the phone with you and crying because I felt like I couldn�t tell you anything. And I wanted so much to let you in. I just felt like we were right back to square one, the same place we�d been before and not gotten anything fixed. �You say I didn't get you well you never gave me the chance and you never tried to show me you just let it go.�You told me at one point that if I kept talking about God, that would be the end of our friendship. You were �happy for me� but didn�t want to hear anything about it. When I tried to explain what part Anthony played in how much I�d changed, you just got angry that I�d �let� him �force� me to change. Everything I tried to tell you about seemed to only make you angry or disgusted. So yes, I did just let it go. Maybe it�s not what I should have done, but it didn�t feel like it made any difference, even when I kept trying. �Besides it seemed like you never really cared what I was talking about be it my life or dreams or cares.�Oh, honey, that�s really not true. I�m so sorry it felt that way. I really did care. And still do. I was so excited to hear about how close you were getting to graduation and that you had concrete plans and knew what you wanted to do. I was so proud of you. And still am. I know you worked your ass off to get that degree and still be working full time. I know that is not an easy thing to do, not by a long shot, and I was (and am) so impressed that you were managing it, you have no idea. I am so sorry that I didn�t ever tell you that. And I do care (and did) about what was going on with you. I just felt like I couldn�t comment on much of anything because that would lead to one of the many �forbidden� topics with me. �To me all of this was a betrayal that I could not understand. We were so close you where the one person who knew me the best. The one who understood me and accepted me for who I was. The one person I could tell anything to and not be judged just understood and accepted. Do you have any idea what it felt like to have your friend dump you and leave you with out a word until what 6 mths later� Yes, Alicia, I do in fact, know exactly what it feels like to have your friend dump you and leave you without a word until much, much later. Because a phone works two ways and you could have called me, too. We used to have such an amazing friendship. But we both changed. And I know you keep saying you haven�t changed. Maybe you haven�t. Maybe it�s just the way I look at you that�s changed because I have changed. But to me, it feels like you�ve changed too. And we didn�t adjust our friendship to cope with those changes. When we started talking again, it�s like we expected it to all be the same, and there really is no way for it to have been exactly the same. If nothing else, we were 1400 miles apart. That, in and of itself, was a big change to cope with. We have a lot of years of knowing each other and being there for each other. I miss being able to talk with you and bounce ideas off you. I miss being able to talk about the important things and the silly things� I miss knowing what�s going on in your life. I want for us to get that friendship back, but� I also know that in order for us to do that, we�ve got a lot of work ahead of us. �after they have left then not have time. It was almost not worth picking up the phone that first time around it probably would have hurt less then this did. However I will hand it to you that it may have been what was the best for you.� Well, I can understand that. I kind of felt the same way when I first got your response to my initial e-mail. I felt like maybe I should have just let us continue sliding into the greyness because at least it wouldn�t have hurt so much. I think your second comment there was kind of below the belt. I know you didn�t know what was going on with me, and you couldn�t have known that I was looking for reassurance that you did still care about me with my lack of response. I know it�s not how I normally do things�it�s not how I used to do them, and it�s not how I do them now�but I didn�t know how to ask you for that reassurance. All the same, saying that I was just looking out for me and not worrying about anyone else was cruel, and you know it. You know that the things that hurt me the worst while I was still living at my parents� was Larry calling me a selfish bitch. So implying the same thing makes me feel like you were using how well we know each other against me. Maybe I�m reading that all wrong and assuming things that aren�t there. I�d really love to hear that�s the case. Maybe I�m just too used to people trying to hurt me. Tell me what you meant by that? �No I don't understand it but there are several reasons for that. One my own issues with guys and letting someone in. Maybe that there lies a major problem I have yet to deal and become better or find that someone that is worth it...yes that is apart of it I am jealous. Oh well.�Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, I�m really glad to hear you say that. For one, because it means you�re really being honest with me. For two, it means I can still probably talk to you about the good things with Anthony, as long as I�m careful and am sensitive about it. And it�s not like I haven�t been there, too� �Second you only called to tell me about the bad stuff that went one between the two of you never the good stuff. So sorry if I developed a biased opinion of him and the situation but considering can you blame me.�That�s true. I know it because I did it with everyone. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, it�s just generally our nature to talk about the bad things more than the good ones. Same thing happened while you and Curtis dated. I heard more about the things that drove you bonkers about him than the rest. Second of all, I was really, really having trouble coping with the Anna thing�since I�m pretty sure that�s mostly what I was talking about�and I just needed to talk with someone about it. But you�re right, I can�t blame you for having a biased opinion of him when all I ever did was cry about/complain about/rant about why I was upset with him. The truth is, too, that I felt safer saying the bad things with you because then you got upset at him and not at me, so much. Not such a great reason, but� there it is. �Last you changed and so completely with timing being what it is it happened when he came into the picture. So forgive me if I have a hard to dealing with that but I will try to understand, but no promises it is hard to change ones feelings and opinions.�The thing is, the biggest part of my changing had to do with God. And I know that�s not something you want to hear about, but it�s the truth. I�ve met and talked with my God, and He�s not such a bad fellow after all. And He�s helped me to heal in amazing ways. The thing is, I fell in love with Anthony and God at the same time, and they both made such a huge difference in how I saw the world around me, that it was impossible for me not to change. I didn�t feel like I had to hide all the time anymore, and I didn�t want to run away. Me wanting to go to the moon was all about running away, and doing it in a way that wouldn�t get me in trouble with my parents. It wasn�t coping with anything or fixing anything, it was just running away from it. It�s funny, because that�s one of the things that you used to get so mad at me about, not standing up to my parents and Larry ever. And yet, here I am, and I�ve done that, and I�ve lost them, and I didn�t even get to tell you about it and I didn�t get to cry on your shoulder or tell you what was going on. I wanted to, so badly� did you know that? But so much of it had to do with God that I didn�t feel like I could tell you, even if I�d had the courage to call you at that point. �So If you are still reading this remember that I always tell it like it is and you are right I never take that easy road out so I had to say what I felt. Even if it is not nice. I don't know what to say to you that will fix or change anything because you are right we don't know one another and the things we had in common we no longer have because I have not changed I am still me and that may because I already knew me or have yet to deal with a few things and let the walls down.�So, I don�t want to take the easy road out, and some of the things I�ve said haven�t been nice either. I don�t think there�s any one �magic� thing we can say to each other to fix anything. We don�t know each other, don�t know what�s going on anymore. We may not have much in common in our everyday lives anymore, but I do know that we�ve got our past to build on. I know that we can go from there, and that all this can make our friendship stronger, if we both keep trying. So, cheesy as it sounds, maybe we can both start letting the walls down by trading questions. You ask me a couple questions, and I�ll answer, completely and honestly, and then I�ll ask you a couple. Or maybe you�ve got better ideas about how we could get back on track. (Plus, I promise not to take this long to respond to anything else.) �Who knows if that is the case I may never be able to but that is a whole new letter. A letter I will share if we care to explore and see who we are and what can be salvaged from the ruins of our friendship. I hope that we will be able to but it may be awhile because these are issues that no one knows about and I am not sure if I will be comfortable even telling you for a while because we do not have what we used to have.�It sounds like you�ve had a lot going on, and, with stupid things happening and as long as it�s taken me to write this one, too, I�m guessing even more has been going on. I know it has around here. So� I don�t know how we can get back anything resembling what we had if we don�t start talking. I needed to get this out on paper because I�m never as good with speaking as I am with writing, and this is massively important to me. �But decide carefully if you want to do this because as you should know I am not as strong as I want everyone to believe and I don't know if I can handle starting out friendship to have it dropped again when it is not convenient at least not at this point in my life. If this is what is in store maybe we are better off where we stand now but without the pretending that nothing is different between us because we both know that that is not true. Take your time and take care hopefully I will hear from you soon. Alicia�I think that�s fair enough. I think that you asking that we don�t end up back where we started all over again is reasonable and something I�d like to ask for, too. I want us to talk. If you feel like I�m not making time for you or reaching out enough, tell me. I�m going to do the same. Instead of doing the stupid �I want you to read my mind� bit, I�ll just tell you that I don�t feel like I�m important to you. I guess the other thing I really want to talk about is� what are the boundaries? I mean� if there are things we just don�t talk about, then we need to establish that right now. And how does that tie into our relationship. Because it�s really, really hard to feel like I will lose your friendship if I talk about the wrong things. And the stupid thing is that I ended up almost losing your friendship over it anyway because I just stayed silent about the things that are important to me. Obviously, that�s not going to work. So I need to know what I can and can�t talk to you about. I need to feel like this isn�t a one way street. And I need to know what you need. I don�t know if you�re still reading this or not. I can only hope. I don�t have many friends, and that�s not something I�ve ever really wanted. I do want good friends, and there was a time that I would have listed you without a second�s hesitation. I just want us to have a real friendship. It�s getting late, and I�ve been working on this for an insane amount of time, so it�s all starting to look the same to me. I can�t tell how well it all came out anymore, so please just know that everything I wrote was to help get us heading in the right direction. Love, Me. How many days until finals? What was one good thing that happened today? Miscellaney: Tell me what you think. Tessa :: Tessa's Site �::Tessa's Comment(s)�:: Thank you. *bows modestly* Thank you. :) It took me a month to write it and a lot of anger and tears. It's good to know it came out well. [2004-08-10 17:42:57] Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site �::Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: (This is actually Tessa bringing the comment over because the blogger site wasn't linked...) That's a damn good letter. You stood up for yourself and you told her how you REALLY felt but you told her how much she means to you and you took responsibility for some things. Right on! [2004-08-10 17:41:30] Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site �::Ilsa's Comment(s)�:: See blogger site [2004-08-10 17:11:38] Please disregard the housekeeping ~ ~ ~ New Staff Member Most recent: The REAL surprise party - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 Still not here - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 Moved - Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 I survived - Thursday, Jun. 23, 2005 Go see her. Now. - Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 |
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