So, the Reconstruction(You'd think, with as many times as I've referenced that little nothing blurb of a post, that I'd have the url memorized, but you'd be wrong.) that I keep mentioning was comprised of various parts. If I were a kinder, gentler Tessa, I'd break it all down into coherent bits, categorized by type. I am not, however, a kinder, gentler Tessa, so you get to deal with it the same way I did: all at once with no particular order. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!(Ok, ok, so my evil laugh needs some work. I don't pull it out often. Incidentally--yes, this is a total tangent from the previous statement and probably deserves its own parentheses but I'm either too lazy or don't care. Take your pick.--Incidentally, I just realized that I seem to have a theme going with events being all jumbled together without rhyme or reason. I don�t actually know why... well, you know, except that I often feel that my life is a bit jumbled together without a lot of rhyme or reason these days. So I guess it makes sense that I'd end up writing and saying those things... And I just realized that what I've said in parentheses so far in this post is a) entirely too long, and b) outweighs what I've written outside parentheses. So yeah...) Anyway, here's a recap of... everything.
Actually, you know what? It turns out that I am, in fact, a kinder, gentler Tessa, because there's so much going on that even I couldn't sort it all out without organizing it somehow...
So, recently, in our church, we had... some major issues going on. That's really not a good descriptor, but I don't know how else to start this bit. We have a primary teaching pastor, and then pastors for various portions of our ministries. Children's ministries, outreach ministries, middle school, high school... well, except, right now, we don't have a high school pastor because he, a married man with a gorgeous wife and 3 beautiful little girls, had an affair with one of the 18-year-old high school girls. *pauses for shocked gasps* As awful as this whole incident was, I was actually really proud of how my church handled it. They discussed it at the two services, calmly explaining what had happened, with lots of prayer. Dave (the ex-high-school pastor) got up and apologized; he also said that he took full responsibility for the whole situation, that he had pursued the relationship and set up ways for it to occur. I ended up not being there for that bit because of other circumstances, but got a recap later. His wife came up and the whole congregation prayed for them. I remember just sitting there in shocked silence when I first heard, trying to process the information, worrying about my friend who had come to our church for the first time (well, excepting our wedding and rehearsal...), but mostly all I could think about was his oldest daughter, who is only 4 years old and in my class. I kept thinking of that little girl, who is utterly, utterly amazing, and... well, to be honest, wondering why something like this could happen to her. I know her mom somewhat as well, and I know she's got to be going through incredible pain and I don't even begin to have an idea what right now. I sympathize with her, but my heart really goes out to this little girl. I mean, she's four years old. I know they're trying not to tell her much of what's going on because, really, who wants to explain to a child that young what infidelity means? And I think it's probably better for her that way. But you know what? When she comes up to me, after snuggling into my lap as often as possible, and tells me, "Mommy's got a hole in her heart," how can I not lose it? How can I not feel like something's fundamentally wrong with my world that a four-year-old girl has to deal with something this big? And it hurts. It makes me just want to whimper, and then shout that it's not fair. And I know life isn't fair. I do know that. But she's four years old and she shouldn't have to learn that yet. And, it's not that I think I could do a better job than God--I mean, I can't even keep my life in order, I don't even want to think about keeping track of millions? Billions?--but when something like this comes up... how can it not make me ask God what bigger purpose all this serves? What about this choice that Dave made and the impact it will have on his wife, his daughters, the girl, not to mention the high-school kids, their parents, the rest of our church, our community, and whoever (whomever?) else I don't know about, makes it worth all of this? Right now, it doesn't feel like anything that comes out of this could possibly make it... even up on the cosmic scales. I guess... I mean, I know all the clich�, trite answers about sin, and free will, and how I wouldn't want God forcing decisions from everyone all the time, how there would never be a choice small enough that it wouldn't impact someone... I know all that, but it's just not very comforting right now. So, in case you were wondering, the "reconstruction" bit about this is, quite simply: Do I still trust God to work for the good of those who love Him in all things? The answer, after much reflection, is yes, I do. I do trust Him to make sure things work out according to His plan. I guess this isn't a reconstruction so much as coming to an understanding that, even if I don't understand, don't agree, don't see how what's going on could possibly be something He could turn to good, I still trust His judgment. And, quite frankly, that's a big step for me. Even with everything that's happened in my past, in some ways, I felt like, as a Christian, I was leading a charmed life. Bad things just didn't happen to me anymore. I feel, in a way, as if that... innocence has been stripped away. But in place of it, I find myself with a stronger, more mature faith. If that makes sense without sounding incredibly cheesy...
I guess this next bit is kind of a natural consequence of questioning the "why's" of the whole issue with the high school pastor. I've been really struggling with who's in charge in my life, me or God. I mean, I know what the right answer is. I just didn't know if I liked that answer. Like I said, it's not that I think I could do a better job of running... the world, galaxy, universe... whatever. It's all entirely too, too big for me to even begin to comprehend. All I could think about was... well, ME, and how I didn't want Him to be in charge of me because it was too painful. Except that I never actually verbalized this, or thought it out clearly. Once I started focusing on it, I realized something. When I was in charge of my life... it was a lot more painful. So why would I want to go back to that, even if I'm unhappy with how He's managing things right now? Except, I'm not really unhappy with how He's managing things, it's more that I don't understand. And I don't like not understanding. And that's something I need to come to grips with. The whole of the plan is entirely too large for me to understand; so there are lots of things about it all that I'm just not going to get. I need to learn to be ok with that. That doesn't mean I'll stop questioning, and it doesn't mean I turn off my brain. What it does mean is that, when I feel like I'm butting heads with God, I need to remember... who's head is harder. :) No, I need to remember what I learned in lesson 1, which is that I trust Him to make good decisions, even when I don't understand. And I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me.
So now that I've come to that conclusion... what do I do about it? I mean, saying, believing these things means I need to do something about it, something about rearranging my life around those facts, you know? And that's the part that stumps me. It's so very easy to go on doing what I've been doing, the same thing day in and day out... but what I've been doing, quite frankly, isn't cutting it anymore. So this reconstruction piece is... figuring out how to rearrange my life to reflect Jesus being in charge. That's a piece I'm still working on, to be honest.
So, onto the Great Boss Exchange. You know, sort of like the Stock Market Exchange - except not. I had mentioned that my best boss ever was let go a while ago, and there were lots of things associated with it that freaked me out. For instance, I was worrying about ending up with a Psycho Boss #3. I mean, I seem to have a history of collecting the worst bosses, you know? And that leads me to believe that it's something about me rather than something about them. Because, you know, I'm paranoid. And it seems an odd string of coincidences that I would end up with 3 really horrible bosses in a row. So that got me to thinking about what I must be doing wrong. And, since I couldn't identify specific things, all I could think was, oh great, here we go again! And that's one of the reasons I very seriously considered putting in two-weeks' notice right then and there. On top of that, and adding to my inclination to leave, was a sense of guilt over still being there when they'd gotten rid of the best boss ever. I mean, this guy was awesome about listening to what I had to say and giving me honest, practical feedback. That's a good idea, or if it wasn't a good idea, why it wouldn't work and what we could maybe do instead. He applauded me for taking the initiative and trying to fix a problem I'd identified instead of being angry and feeling threatened. And why would I stick around if he wasn't there? On top of that, I was angry about the whole situation, too. I felt like it was extremely unfair of the administration to get rid of him. Because, you know, the world is normally a fair place. I know that, but still... I think a lot more of it had to do with politics and another, longer-standing, member of administration feeling threatened by his competency, his caring, and most of all, his ability to lead through example rather than orders. If something needed to be done, he dove in. He didn't just stand back and tell us to start digging; he picked up a shovel and was right there beside us. I'm rambling. And I'm probably over-stating the situation because the man does have his flaws (he talks too much, for one thing, and sometimes wasn't so good at making sure everyone was on the same page), but the point is that the mistakes he made were easily acceptable, easily excusable because he cared. I can't even tell you how immensely frustrated I am with the hospital administration right now. I felt like he was the only one who cared and they got rid of him because of that. I don't feel like the people who are left want to do a good job. And they certainly don't want to associate with us peons. It's all immensely dissatisfying... and I think the bit that's the most frustrating (aside from them having gotten rid of him in the first place), is that I don't feel like I have anywhere to go to voice these issues. My new boss is nice enough. If I hadn't had the Best Boss Ever just prior to this new guy, I probably would've been thrilled with reporting to him. But the fact of the matter is that... well, that it's not that situation. I think there were only two main deciding factors in me not putting in my notice. One: I'd be quitting to show administration my displeasure in how they handled the whole situation, but administration wouldn't be at all impacted by my leaving; only my co-workers who would have to try to pick up the pieces. Two: A combination of money issues and the realization that I'd be setting myself up for a hard start in classes because I'd miss the first whole week. So I'm still there.
Another factor in me being stressed out about work is my change in duties due to Psycho Ex-Boss #2 being laid off. They "eliminated her position", which means that someone else has to do the duties but a) doesn't get the pay and b) doesn't get the authority that goes with the position. So trying to resolve complaints without the authority to do anything about it is like... like trying to gather up all the tumbleweeds on our farm: painful, fruitless, exhausting, and ultimately pointless. But guess who gets to do the job all the same? Why, however did you guess??? So that's pretty stressful. Except, at the same time, it's more satisfying because a) Psycho Ex-Boss #2 is no longer there to piss me off and circumvent anything I try to do and b) I don't feel like I'm lying to people anymore when I explain to them what is going to be done with their complaints because I will be the one doing it. I guess that wouldn't make a lot of sense unless you understand why I actually like being in the complaint department. It's very simple, really: I get to help people. I can make a difference. They tell me something specific and concrete that they're unhappy about and I can tell them what I can and can't do for them and why. I can make the day better for someone, and I can be a listening ear when they feel like no one else cares. Because I do care, and I do want to make it better. I know that sounds silly, but... there it is. So, when Psycho Ex-Boss #2 was here, I would take in the complaint and tell them what our normal procedures were, but then I didn't feel like Psycho Ex-Boss #2 was actually doing any of those things, let alone getting back to the person to let them know if/when we resolved their concerns. So I felt like I was lying to people, you know? Doesn't make for a very good feeling. Anyway, the point of that reconstructing bit is that I'm back to feeling more satisfied with that portion of my work. However, giving me more responsibility in one area, when I was already not able to keep up with everything, means that other responsibilities need to be taken away. So I'm no longer responsible for the education department, about which I have extremely mixed feelings. On the one hand, there's relief because that was a lot of work, and something had to give. On the other hand, I'm very disappointed because a) I actually like working with the education department; the more I teach, the more I enjoy it, and I can't help but be disappointed at the distance placed between us; and b) because there IS NO PLAN in regards to an appropriate transition of duties. About 2 weeks ago... wow, maybe 3, now... they were just going to yank me out of the position, and not worry about who would pick up the pieces. I argued against that vehemently because it would be completely unfair and would just be asking for trouble, especially in regards to our files and being responsible to the Board of Registered Nurses (think about it as having the potential to be audited by the IRS) to have everything in order. Fortunately, reason prevailed (in other words, I explained repeatedly why it would be a bad idea to just rip me out of the position... over and over and over and...) and I am part of the education department until next Tuesday when the normal monthly meeting will occur and I can hand off my duties appropriately. I know it was necessary, but I'm still very sad about losing that piece of my job. And the last bit that falls under this category is: How I'm going to get more data functions. That's right, we'll take away this big chunk of your duties so you can take care of the Patient Relations piece that used to be the responsibility of a full-time employee, but then we think that you won't have enough duties, so, we'll assign you more data functions. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Isn't that fun? I mean, it's not that I particularly mind having more data functions; in fact, I sometimes think it's fun to figure out a ways to do new and interesting things with data, but I'm a people person. I like being around and working with people, and data just doesn't do that for me. Data doesn't give you a hug or ask how your weekend was. And data (unless you're referencing Data from Star Trek) certainly doesn't crack jokes or help you cheer up when you're blue. Not that people with complaints do, either, generally speaking, but... I just am much happier interacting with people.
Did I also mention that there's an awful lot of uncertainty about my job because of a potential lay off? I mean, they have to have someone take in complaints, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be the department managers... There's this general attitude in the hospital both in staff and especially in administration, that, if you're not a nurse in patient care, then you're expendable. Nevermind the fact that without, oh, say, Pharmacy, nurses would be up a creek... and I'm not saying that what I do is as important as keeping someone alive and taking care of them in a hospital, but you know what? I do my fair share and then some. I work hard to help things run more smoothly, and just because I can't give an injection or recognize irregular heart rhythms doesn't mean I'm worthless. It's just... very, very frustrating. And, at this point, I would be royally pissed if I got laid off. Because I had the opportunity to go back to school and didn't take it this time around so that I wouldn't be leaving anyone in the lurch. Because I am responsible and I care about my co-workers. And yet, there's a part of me that kind of wants it to happen, to just be done with it all and not have to worry about it. There's a part of me that would gladly say, "To hell with you!" and walk off. I'm just fed up with all of this, I guess. I'm tired of feeling like nobody else really cares, and I'm tired of working so hard, giving my all to have it disregarded, denigrated, and dismissed. Um... sorry, got a little over-enthusiastic there...
Then there's the whole issue of finding my replacement. One of the good things about my new boss is that he, too, understands that, because the data cycles on pretty much a monthly basis, I need about 2 months to appropriately train someone to take my place. So November 1st I'll get my replacement and start training her. The thing that's been bothering me about all of this is... First, have you heard about the San Jose Medical Center Closure? They're one of our sister hospitals and we're trying to take on as many of the folks from there as we can at our hospital. There is a person with an almost equivalent position to mine who I worked with briefly in the past. I thought she might be a good fit for my position, because, let's face it, the less training I have to do, the more likely it is that the transition will be smooth. When I worked with her before, she was super-nice and very smart. The thing that I keep looking back at now is: she needed something from me then. I called to ask if she'd be interested in my position, since I'd be leaving at the end of December, and she said yes, so I put her in contact with my new, not-as-cool boss, telling him that I'd worked with her a bit in the past and that she would probably be a good fit, especially for the data functions. She came over to interview and, evidently, did very well in her interview with the not-as-cool boss. He brought her over to me to see if she had any specific questions about what the position entailed. This woman was so... blas�? No, that's not the right word... indifferent about the whole thing that, first of all, she didn't ask me any questions, and second of all, she told me that she was only planning on sticking around for a year until she could get her mortgage paid off. And then she tells me that I can't tell anyone, you know, it's confidential. The thing is, I didn't ask her to tell me that. And I know, full well, that it took me over a year and a half to get completely comfortable with the complaints--not the rudimentary information to take in and the basic responses to give--I mean knowing what to say and how to say it and feeling like I'd heard most things... that took me over a year and a half before I didn't feel like I always needed to ask someone else what I should be doing with it. Not to mention the data stuff, which, since it's cyclical, takes longer to get because you're not doing it on a daily basis. And this woman, who doesn't care at all and is just taking a whatever job until she can leave in a year, is basically telling me I might as well not bother training her because she's only going to learn enough to get by for a year, and then she'll bail, most likely without giving any more advance notice than the required two weeks which means the next person would come in blind. And all of that means that everyone calling with a complaint would basically have no advocate for their concerns because this woman a) doesn't care, and b) wouldn't be able to appropriately teach her replacement. And, like I mentioned above, I care about the people who call, and I want to make a difference. So I struggled with telling the not-as-cool boss about it. I told him that I'd kind of cooled on this girl taking the position, that I didn't think she'd do as well for the patient relations aspects which, right now, are more critical. I did tell him about her apparent indifference and what that implied to me. I also said that I had a "gut-level instinct" that she wouldn't stay around very long. He nodded and took it all into account. Not very long after that, I met with a co-worker from a different department who I've met on occasion and who has always been nice to me--and she's a cashier, so, when I go to her, I need something from her--and she's a quick study. She doesn't have as much going for her in terms of data, but she has a small child (around 5, I believe) at home and wants something steady, full time, that she can stay at for a long time that will likely have somewhat flexible hours. She could come in at 7 and be off at 3:30, and only have an hour or so difference in her schedule and her child's school schedule. So I told the not-as-cool boss about this girl, and he interviewed her and seemed impressed. Somehow, all of this got back to the original applicant, S., who went to her boss, who went to the CEO of SJMC, who went to our CEO, wanting to know why S. couldn't have the job when she thought it was in the bag. So the not-as-cool boss came to me and explained the situation and said that, unless I could give him a really fantastic reason why J. (the cashier) would be a better fit than S., he was going to hire S. And I hemmed and hawed, and finally came out with the information that S. had no intention of sticking around very long, and that I was concerned about her ability to train her replacement after being in the position for such a short time. I also explained why I hadn't said anything sooner. So he said ok, that made the decision easier, and J. was officially approved for the position; the formal letter was sent sometime the beginning of this week. The not-as-cool boss (I've got to come up with a better name for him because he's a nice enough guy, and he really is a decent boss--there we go, the decent boss) personally took care of informing S. that she wouldn't have the job and very politely told her that J. was better qualified in certain areas. He completely omitted the fact that he knew she didn't plan to stay. Except he had to have given our CEO an explanation, which means it's highly likely that information will trickle back down to S. I feel like I did the right thing... I know I did the right thing for the patients to have an appropriate advocate, and for the hospital, and for the person coming in who would have to replace S... but I still feel immensely guilty. I mean, she isn't going to have a job by about mid-December, and I just took this one away from her, while J. is already in a position that's in no danger of being eliminated. But that doesn't mean it's ok for S. to be dishonest and uncaring and get the job. I know all that, but I still think I'd try to escape if I had to face S. directly.
And onto the next bit. So our finances, which should have been great since moving in together after we got married have been... so-so. Not bad, mind you, it's not like we've had any real troubles or anything like that, just... not much of anything put in savings because of something I pushed for when we went on our honeymoon. Trendwest. The voice of doom in my house. It's a point-based time share, which sounded like a great idea on our honeymoon (oh shush! Quit laughing at me! Obviously, I'm a sucker!), but quickly turned out to be extremely impractical because of how difficult it is for us to get any significant amount of time off work together. It just always works out that way. Anyway, we agreed to pay an obscene amount of money and, pretty much from the start (and I really do mean from the start, as in 10 minutes after we walked out of the office) it started causing fights galore. The we-shouldn't-have's and the but-it'll-be-fun's... yeah. Great. So I agreed to take full responsibility for paying the stupid thing off. And well... I'm not precisely careful with money. And, since Anthony and I are both working, we pretty much each do what we want with our own paychecks as long as the bills and rent get paid. Did I mention that I'm not precisely careful with money? Well, all I did was make minimum payments on the account, which, as we all know, when we're talking about obscene amounts of money, means I only paid interest, pretty much. Except, you know, every time I went to make a payment, I would think, I should just sell this thing. We haven't been able to use it yet and we probably won't be able to anytime soon. And I wouldn't make a payment. About... three months (ish) ago, Anthony and I got into a very large fight about all this and he was, understandably, pretty pissed off that in a years' worth of payments I hadn't really dented the amount we still owed. I tried to explain my reasoning to him, but... anyway, I had two options at that point. Scramble to get it completely paid off before I went back to school, which after figuring out a budget meant that I would a) have no reserve to pay for classes, books, supplies, fees... and b) I wouldn't be able to buy or pay for anything but Trendwest, groceries, and gas between now and the end of December. And the gas was kind of iffy. Did I mention I'm not precisely careful with money? Yeah, you and I both know I wouldn't have been able to manage that. So, I decided at that point that I was definitely going to sell it. I would just pay off a little less than half of it because I could get an offer for about that amount. I had that much money saved up and just hadn't paid it toward the debt. So that was another bit of reconstruction. That, and convincing Anthony that we should just sell it and I would just suck it up over the lost money (which was a considerable amount, being half of an obscene amount), that I would just be grateful to be done with it. Anyway, it wasn't easy adjusting to that big and expensive a mistake. Part of me, because I'm insanely stubborn sometimes, wanted to keep plugging away at it because, hell, I'm halfway there already, right? Even though we don't use it now and will be less likely to use it once I'm in school full time. Because, if I could get it all paid off, it wouldn't be a mistake, then, would it? And you know what? Because my husband is good and sweet and kind (also because he is a wise man, in spite of occasional slip-ups) his response was not "yeah, that was dumb", but "maybe this wasn't the right plan for right now." Did I mention that I really, really love this man? I can't tell you how immensely better (I know that's really poor grammar. Shush.) that made me feel.
On the note with finances, there is still a potential for me to be laid off. Which would wreak havoc with lots of plans, namely those surrounding me going back to school. I'm going to a local community college first, so it's not as bad as it would be otherwise, but... Right now, while I'm working full time, is the best time to be setting aside that money. Cuz, you know, I'm good at that. But it would also put me completely out of sorts since I couldn't start classes until January, but I wouldn't be working, either... eh. If it happens, it happens and I'll deal with it. I'm tired of worrying about it.
Another reconstructing bit is Anthony's job. Yes, that means reconstruction for me... somehow. So there was a lot going on at his old position (he's in a rotational leadership development program so he's moving through various projects), a lot in the way of politics and his "boss" being a weird, freakish lady who wanted to be in control of everything, especially information flow, but didn't tell anyone enough of anything for them to do their jobs properly. Things had been escalating, and finally, he's going to a new rotation because this one is obviously not going to work. The disappointing thing about it all is that this rotation had so much potential because it's working with propulsion, which is where he wants to be. When he first started looking at options, he had located about 4 on his own, and then, when he went to his... supervisor? whatever, in the rotation program, she gave him 3 more options! So that was very cool. One of the options was for him to work part time, 20 - 30 hours each week. If he only worked 20 hours, I would actually be bringing home more money than he would. Do you have any idea how weird that is? However, if he was working 30 hours each week, we'd bring home the same amount (right? You do the math, I don't want to fuss with it) because he makes 1 1/2 times what I do. And let me tell you how very, very bizarre that would be. I mean, there are a lot of stereotypes I fight from the way I was raised (the hysterically funny thing is that my mom used to be a femi-nazi!) about how men and women ought to behave, but the man being the wage-earner isn't one that I've been able to kick. I know. In this enlightened day and age... Anyway, due to yet more politics with his Very Own Psycho Ex-Boss, he ended up getting kicked into a particular program because there weren't other options available today. (Well, you know, about 4 week-days ago, but...) Not that he objects because he'll probably get to see another launch around mid-February. But still, it's not nice to be forced into a particular position when you'd previously been offered many, many options. The other thing about Anthony's work that he's been semi-depressed about is the fact that Lockheed lost the JIMO contract. What, you may ask, is JIMO? Well, go look at the links. I'm too lazy. Specifically, the piece that Anthony was excited about was the technology involved. What they don't mention in the bone-head-audience-explanation is that they're also looking at combining that with ion propulsion. My husband was going bananas over this prospect! Drooling, even! We talked about moving out to Colorado, because, if Lockheed won the contract, Denver would have been the main place for the work. I was going to pick up my entire life and move back to Colorado for this man, and this project. Can you believe it? I don't know that I'd have been happy there (I've changed entirely too much to fit into my old roles and I'm not so sure how I'd go about defining new ones), but I would have done it. But now Lockheed doesn't have the contract and we won't be moving to Denver, and... and my husband is really, really bummed about it. Depressed, almost. Because that kind of technology? That's his dream job. Working on that, developing that... he would be in hog heaven. And at the same time, I can't help but feel guiltily glad to have it settled and know we're not going to Colorado. So that was a lot of reorganization, too.
So, I mentioned that I had a migraine a while ago, and the weird side effects I was experiencing. I called the doctor about it to find out what was going on and was told that a) it was probably stress-related (my side effects) because the medicine couldn't possibly have still been in my system after 20 hours, never mind the fact that I have a history of being overly sensitive to various medications, so it must have just been me reacting to the stress of going through such a horrible experience. Right. Anyway, I now know not to take the nausea medication with the migraine medication or I'll make silly decisions, like bringing home 4 boxes of Earl Gray tea and ridiculous amounts of Nutter Butters. So I got irritated with the guy for the condescending tone, but he did give me some useful information, and that is that it's entirely possible, maybe even highly likely, that the migraine is associated with my birth control. Which means, practically speaking, that there's a pretty high chance this will reoccur monthly. Joy. And they really don't know, can't know, until the end of next month rolls around. Ain't we got fun?
So the other big health thing for me is exercise and diet. I'm about 120 pounds heavier than I should be, and I've put that weight on in small pieces over 5 years. I know I can't take it all back off in a short time frame, but, oh, how I'd love to wave a magic wand! Regardless of all that, before I've always been discouraged about exercising. I have a lot of emotional baggage tied into it. I never did well at gym, I've always been a big girl, and the only thing I ever felt about exercising was that it made me look and feel like a total fool. There are lots of other things about that, lots of things tied into my body image and what happened with Larry, obviously, things I'm working on. The upshot of it is that, when it came time to work on getting my weight down, getting me healthier, I always focused on the diet because the exercise was emotionally uncomfortable... which made it even harder to do well with eating properly because I kept thinking about food all the time, and it's mighty hard to show restraint when you're thinking about food so often. The really cool thing is that I joined Curves recently, and, for the first time in my life, after the first time of exercising there, I wanted to go back the next day!!!! And you know what? Since then, I've been focusing more on the exercise and how that's making me feel than about what I'm eating. And I can't tell you how immensely excited I am about that. Not only did I want to go back after the first workout, after another, I still wanted to go back. And today, even though I was home sick with congestion so bad I sound like I should sing bass in a barbershop quartet and have trouble breathing walking from one room to another, I had to talk myself OUT of going to the gym! Can you believe that? Me! So obviously, that's a fantastic start, and it's immensely encouraging. We'll see how it goes, but if it continues this way, I think I've found something I can stick with! :) Whoo! Good reconstruction! :)
The reconstruction around friends has been recent, and often in light of all the stuff with Alicia (I'll get into that below...). There's Liz. She's a forever friend, you know, the kind you can call up at 3 am after not talking for 2 years and be able to tell your deepest secrets because you have to have someone to talk to right now. I've been wondering, recently, how good a friend I am to her. She's been an amazing friend to me, but... how good a friend have I been to her? I mean, the dynamics of everything changed once I got married, and... well... I don't know that I've always been there for her. I think she wouldn't call me up in the middle of the night anymore because she worries it would bother me or Anthony. Before, it didn't matter. Well, it did, but not enough to stop her from calling. And it's something I treasured about our friendship, that it was 24/7, you know? Not just during daylight hours. Now, I feel like the only way I'm there for her is financially. I set up this account for her (someone stole her identity... eesh, probably 2 or 3 years ago now and it STILL hasn't been resolved so she can't get her own bank account), but somehow... it just feels so... cold. I'm not there for her emotionally as much as I ought to be. I'm so wrapped up in my world that I'm not really there for her. I don't know how to strike that balance between being a good wife and being a good friend. And we don't talk about important things anymore. We talk about... well, basically, we gossip. She tells me what's going on and grumbles or gets excited about it; I do the same. We occasionally talk about how we're feeling on a slightly deeper level, but we don't ever talk about God anymore, or where we're going with our lives, what we want, what we think about, what we dream of... I miss that, too. So the reconstruction here is figuring out where all the pieces fit in my life again.
And of course, there's Ilsa. See, her work schedule's been changed and we never get to see each other anymore, not really. Just occasionally on the weekends. Before (it used to be from 1 pm - 9 pm), it would be early enough when she got off for her to come visit for a bit, but now (she doesn't get off until 12:30 am--yes, that's after midnight) it's just not possible. And it's strange, but it feels sometimes like we have a long-distance friendship... you know, without the distance. I feel like I can tell her more through e-mail these days than I know how to tell her when we sit down to chat. And maybe that's ok. But it takes some getting used to. I mean, when we e-mail, I feel like we talk about all kinds of important things... and silly things... just the usual banter that makes a friendship last day-to-day, and the things that are close to the heart that make a friendship last over time. I guess it's just strange because this is one of those things that's just for right now. When I go back to school (in 89 days!!!), we'll both be going at the same time, might carpool, might even be in the same classes! So it feels weird to adjust to what amounts to an e-mail relationship when I know that, in less than 3 months, we'll be back to a face-to-face one. I guess that's more of an adjustment than reconstruction, isn't it? I worry, too, though, that I'm being that friend. You know the one I'm talking about. The one who always wants your time but never has time when you need it. The one who takes and takes and takes but doesn't give back. The one who somehow knows all the right buttons to push and all the right strings to pull until you don't know if they're doing it on purpose or if it's just instinctive. I know Ilsa would tell me if I was, but I still worry. Which, I guess, is really what keeps me from being that friend. So maybe that's something that doesn't need to be reconstructed but... just toned down a bit.
Really, though, all my thinking about friendships lately keeps coming back to the whole situation with Alicia. (There have been an absurd number of posts, in mid-April, at the end of April, mid-September, and then at the end of September.) And I keep thinking about what I need from her in a friendship, and what I think she needs/wants/expects from me. My expectations are vastly different from my wants, which I'm willing to allow to fall by the wayside if my needs are met. That sounds rather pretentious, doesn't it? I guess what I'm getting at is this: I'm not being very picky here. I have some basic needs: I need to know that she values our friendship. I need to not feel that I'm only useful to her as a reflection of her. I need to know that she sees me as a person and not "her friend" who is an object to do with what she pleases. I know she says she's not an emotional person (which is actually not true; she's very emotional, just not very affectionate), but once in a while, she can tell me she values our friendship. Actions speak louder than words. Show me you value our friendship, I don't care! I just need to know! I feel like the whole situation has turned into what Alicia wants and needs and thinks ought to happen and what I feel about it just needs to fall to the wayside. And I don't want to go into a friendship like that. Something Ilsa pointed out to me, something I didn't catch, in Alicia's last letter to me was this bit: "And second we need to start learning about each other as Threasa Logan of california and the friend she can be to Alicia Vincent of colorado and not on a past that has fallen." (Well, actually, she pointed out two things, the first was that, after having known me for almost 10 years now, Alicia misspelled my name, which is really quite ridiculous.) She pointed out that what Alicia was saying is that I need to learn how to be a friend to her. It pissed Ilsa off royally. It just makes me sad. Because that really is her attitude. And I know why she has it. If she doesn't look out for herself, who will? In her experience, no one has, except for me. So why should I need or even want anything different from what we already established? If I'm not willing to look out for her anymore, then, obviously, she has to protect herself. I understand that. I do. It doesn't make it any easier to try to find our way back to a friendship. It doesn't make it any easier to keep struggling with this, to keep wanting to fix things but feeling like I'm only getting deeper and deeper into rot I never knew was there. I want for this to work out. I like fairy-tale endings. I do. But... but there are so many "but"s I don't even know where to begin. To some extent, I guess I feel like I owe her something. I feel like I let her down that night I went back home with my parents, the night she was willing to shelter me and keep me with her. I feel like I'm still paying for that, like I'll always be paying for that, and somehow, nothing I do will ever be enough to make up for that one issue. I'm not even sure it was a mistake. That's the thing. I mean, look at how my life has turned out. Would I have even made it through the one year of college I did if I'd run away then? Or would I have been put in the foster system somewhere? And yet, here I am, feeling guilty over it because when I left, it wasn't because I was thinking of any of those reasons; I left because I was frightened of what would happen if I didn't. Because I was sure, somewhere in my heart, that it couldn't be that easy to escape Larry. The stupid thing is, these are all the things I want to be telling her, but I don't feel like I can. I look at her, I look at the letters she sends, and I see a stranger. And I don't know that, if I met her today, with no history between us, that we would even like each other, let alone be as close as we were in high school. And all of these things are great arguments for me to quit walking on the glass, to just step away and be done with it. And yet, I can't. I don't think it's sheer stubbornness (although I won't deny there's a healthy dose of that in there). Part of it is that I don't want to see something that meant so much to me die this way. It would have almost been better just to let it fade into nothingness than this. And yet... and yet... there's something there, a small girl trapped inside of her, and a small girl trapped inside of me, desperately holding hands and squinting our eyes shut, wishing for something better... something better than what we've been through, and something better than what we have right now with each other. And I don't want to let go of that hope. Not yet. Maybe someday I will, but not right now. One of the things I kind of wanted to explore on this segment was the appropriate Christian response to the whole situation, but... well, I've kind of made up my mind, haven't I? Not that I don't still want input from any Christian readers out there, but, maybe it's a God thing, not letting go just yet. I've certainly prayed about it enough.
Ah, and then there's the lovely Cat who wants to meet me in person. See... I've never really met anyone in person that I know online. I've never, precisely, introduced my husband and my blog. Although they each know about each other, well, they're not even nodding acquaintances. My worries are that I would have to explain to Anthony that this woman, who (whom?) he's never met, probably knows more about him through my blogging than his coworkers. I don't know how comfortable he would be... oh, who am I kidding, it'd drive him right up a wall if he knew that! But I want to meet Cat! (If you haven't read her writing, you ought to go. She's lovely! I'm telling you.) But I certainly won't do so sneaking around behind Anthony's back. Not that she'd want me to, either, mind you. She's just not that sort of girl. So I'll probably leave it at the surface level, that she's someone I met through blogging and that she lives (relatively, ok, so not really, but in the same state) nearby and we wanted to go ransack the nearest bookstore for several hours. I think he would think it was weird, but he'd probably be ok with it. But I guess that tumbles me right into the next bit...
Pretty much the only writing I've been doing these days is right here, on this blog. Well, you know, I don't know if I update often enough or have enough links for it to officially qualify as a blog, but it's definitely taken on a different personality than the original journal/rant I was first writing. Um... yeah. Sudafed high. That's my only excuse for such ridiculous rambling. Anyway, one of the things I've been thinking about is showing it all to Anthony. Except for a couple things. One, in what spare time will he read it, given his work schedule and school? Two, I don't want criticism... and he has the tendency to do that to my writing. What I write here isn't intended for serious writing... well, no, that's not entirely true. But what I write here isn't supposed to be grammatically correct, except for the bits that would bother me otherwise; it isn't supposed to be put into a proper paragraph form with an opening and closing sentence and 3 main points; it isn't supposed to be much of anything in particular, other than me just... talking. And I'm relatively sure that my writing would change, maybe even drastically, if I knew he was reading this. I don't think he gets the blogging thing. I mean, I didn't get it until I started (thank you Ilsa!), but Anthony doesn't even like to write, so I don't think he would get it at all. This space is better than the last one because at least he knows that I have it and post regularly. Eh, I don't know. I just don't think he's all that interested...
And, of course, there's NaNo. Do I still want to do it? I mean, I still WANT to do it, but do I want to take the time this year? I'm getting ready to go back to school I need to find my transcripts. And we may be taking a week's vacation around Thanksgiving. A whole week! Do you know how much that would up the ante on how much I would need to write each day? Gak! But... if I don't do it this year, when will I? I've known about it for the last two years and done nothing. So that's going to require reconstruction in my schedule and time for next month. I haven't quite figured out yet how I'm going to do that...
And what about stories in general? I haven't written one in over 4 years; do I still want to? I don't know. But there's this thing that I've noticed lately, a tendency to create little mini-stories in my head again. I hear a bit of a conversation and try to place it into a context, sometimes a reasonable, every-day one, sometimes a silly, fantastic one. That's what I used to do when I was actively working on stories. I'd go to the mall and people watch and eavesdrop so that I could make my dialogue realistic, so that I could just watch people and see what they would do in everyday situations. And I find myself wanting to do that. I was at B&N last night, and just started people watching, even though there were a million things I wanted to write about, and a million more books I wanted to look at or read. I'm pleased about this. I think it means that... my creativity didn't just stem from me being frustrated or feeling helpless. It means that I can write without being trapped in a nightmare. And that's something I haven't been sure of for a long, long time. Not entirely in the same vein, but something that resonated with me sharply today, is Mephit's post about writing.
And, on a slightly different note, I've been getting frustrated with the reading I've been doing lately. It's all brain candy reading. Don't get me wrong, I need the time to relax, but nothing I've been reading really makes me think, lately (with the possible exception of Douglas Adams because, silly as much of what he writes is, there is also an awful lot that makes you think at the end of the day). I guess I'm starting to feel the hunger to learn again, which is something I'd buried pretty deeply because I didn't think it would be possible for a long, long time. And then, with the opportunity fast approaching, I started getting scared because I couldn't find it anymore! But it's still there, just a bit dusty, and maybe a little tarnished. Just needs a little polishing up, that's all. So I'm actually really excited that I'm starting to want something other than brain candy for reading materials.
I guess there are the ever-present demons saying I'll fail in school, but I'm starting to get really excited about it, now, and feeling like I will be able to succeed when I get there. I know I'm getting a bit redundant through all of this, but that's part of what made it all seem so overwhelming. I couldn't take just one piece of it because each piece led to a piece of the next bit of reconstruction, which led to the next bit of reconstruction, which eventually turned the whole thing into one big Reconstruction. Anyway, I don't think the failure demons are going to go away until I start getting grades. The good news is that they're being drowned out by the chorus of excitement and enthusiasm that's getting bigger every day. So a bit of reconstruction there, with getting the proper attitude going. :)
Something else school related that I've been thinking a lot about lately is what I want to do with it. I mean, what do I really want to major in? Biochemistry? Education? A combination of the two? Or something entirely different? The more I teach, the more I love it. And that's a great attitude for a teacher. I think I could do a good job, and I know I love kids. But I also find the science stuff fascinating. Not to mention that I love to write. Except I don't think I'd ever want to make a living out of writing because... well... like beagle said, ("so, i like to think i've done what's smart: i work so i can afford to be an artist. and, i don't work as an artist so i can remain an artist"), I don't want to turn something I love into something that I'm forced to change or destroy in order to make money from it. And I know, to a certain extent, what goes on in those editors' rooms, so that, if by some miracle, I managed to get published, there's very little chance it would go in as is. Not to say that I couldn't benefit from some (a lot of) constructive criticism. And I don't mind that. But I don't want to be forced into changing something because I signed a contract and I have no choice. If that makes any sense. I used to love to write; I'm coming around to the point that I love to write again. I'm not going to damage that by trying to sell it. Please don't get me wrong. Someone has to do it, or I would die slowly of boredom and have to resort to poetry (and mine is only marginally better than the Vogons). And I know a lot of the people who get published, or at least, the ones I like to read, are also passionate about their art. I admire that, but I don't have the courage it takes to stand there on the cutting-room floor.
I haven't talked about him very much lately, but my cousin Robbie is in Iraq. I keep trying to sit down to write him letters, but... I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say. The day to day things I would write about seem so trivial compared to what he's doing out there. And yet I hear, over and over again, that it's things like that, the little stories from home that make it worthwhile for the soldiers. But somehow, I can't shake the feeling that... it's insulting, somehow, to go on about my life normally, to chat with him casually, while he puts his life on the line. I don't think he would think that. (Or I probably wouldn't like him half as much as I do, ties of blood or not.) But it makes it hard to write, you know? But I'm going to make more of an effort to do it. I was thinking I'd try once a week, get on some sort of regular schedule. You know, Wednesdays, wash the laundry and write Robbie. Somehow, I think that would make him laugh.
Ok, so this is a big one: How to deal with/talk to Mom. I'm probably going to keep it relatively short, though, since it's late and this is insanely long already. I'm tired of rejection, but I can't give up because if I do... she has too much pride/fear to reach out to me. When is it too much? When do I get to be done bashing my heart against a brick wall? I ache so badly, but the thing is, the more I try, the more I see it's not a brick wall at all, but maybe a wooden one that gives a bit each time, and maybe, eventually, it'll be a straw wall that I can knock over. How did we get here, Mama? How did you get from the woman you used to be, the woman I idealized and wanted to mimic, the one who got so angry with the moms of our foster kids for choosing what they wanted over the safety and well-being of their children, to the woman you are now? How can that person co-exist with who you are now? How can it be ok to put Larry first instead of Nicky, instead of me? How, Mama? I used to be so proud to point to you and say, "That's my Mom!" I used to want to be just like you; I used to want to have a foster home so that I could do what you did; I used to want to grow up to be just like you. But I don't understand it, Mama. I just don't see how you can be that woman and this one. I know we all change. I know I didn't see you as a person when I was little because you were Mama, and that identity was all I could see of you. But I also know that what that woman stood for, and what you do today are so at odds with each other that it's as if you're an entirely different woman. It's inconceivable to me that you can make the choices you have. And yet... and yet... I love you so much. I know what no one else really knows, what it's like to live with Larry day in and day out. I know how it seems like he's the whole world. And maybe you set that up, you and dad, but I don't think you ever envisioned anything like this. And I don't think you know how to break out of it anymore than I did. I love you. I miss you. I desperately want you in my life. But I can understand why you wouldn't be able to move from where you are right now. And I'm not angry with you for it. I love you.
Then there's: What to do about Dad? I want so badly to push the issue, to show him the letter I sent to Larry that came back return to sender, trying to look unopened. But the truth of the matter is, I'm scared. The what if's haunt me... I know you're probably saying, "But Tessa," (because I know you all talk to me out loud whilst staring at your computer screens), "If he's going to ignore it then do you really want him in your life?" And the answer, quite simply, and without a scrap of pride, is, "Yes." I do want my dad to be part of my life. Going through my wedding without him walking me down the aisle, thinking about having kids... I want him there for those things! I want my kids to have grandparents. And I want to be able to tell him the things I used to be able to. The ironic thing is that I don't think we can have that until we discuss the elephant we've both been busily ignoring. Except I'm too scared, and, I suspect, he's too scared, to talk about it for fear we'll lose what fragile, tenuous threads of a relationship we have now.
So what do I do about Larry, keep trying? Part of me (no, I am not schizophrenic, thankyouverymuch! Don't you ever argue with yourself?) says "to hell with him!" Part of me wants to resolve the whole issue with him just to have it settled in its own right, and part of me wants to resolve it just enough to be able to see my parents. I don't know. I don't know what to do about this and the only thing I ever feel like I get back when I pray about it is for me to just keep on praying. And while that's obviously a good answer, it's just not very satisfying. I keep feeling like I need to do something about it all, you know?
On a totally different note, I'm still missing Grampa. I know it's been months, coming up on a year, but, in a lot of ways, I still feel like I'm just barely coming to grips with it all. I still can't listen to Amazing Grace without bursting into tears. And I stumble across situations and want Godly advice; I think about calling him up and then all I can do is cry. Because he's not there anymore, and he's not coming back, and if I went down south to the house, all I would see is some new family living there. I didn't get to be very close to him as a small child--1400 miles will do that--but I got to know him so well after I came out here, seeing the way he adored Gramma, talking with him, laughing with him, joking about silly things and groaning at his puns. And talking with him about the big things in life. About God. About family. That man was such a blessing to me. And I thought, I really thought, I was truly grateful for him while I had him. We had a couple scares and it shook me up. But now that he's gone, I see all the ways I didn't appreciate him but should have. And he would tell me that it's ok, that he knew I loved him and that was enough. But he's not here to tell me that, and I miss him so badly. I guess it sounds silly to be talking about this as a piece of reconstruction after so many months, but it is. It's a daily adjustment. I remember sitting in the living room of the old apartment with my head on Anthony's chest crying and crying until I didn't think I had any more tears left when I found out the news. And then I would think about it again and start all over. But I feel like I didn't properly grieve for him, other than that night, and at the funeral. So maybe my grieving needs to come now, later, when I can really see how much of my life is poorer for his lack.
How many days until finals?89. Tomorrow, after Bible study, I'm going to locate the boxes with my papers in them that still haven't been unpacked What was one good thing that happened today?26. I got my notebook! And I even started writing in it! It's, ahem, pink. But it has daises and butterflies Miscellaney:What? You're still reading all the way down here at the end of this stupidly long entry? Wow! You must really love
cat :: cat's Site
�::cat's Comment(s)�::
Wow...now *that* was an entry. I think I need to write an e-mail response to this one! And Tess, if it's inconvienent for us to meet or you're uncomfortable, I understand. I would love to meet you, but I don't want to do it at the expense of your well-being.
[2004-10-07 06:30:24]
Solemne :: Solemne's Site
�::Solemne's Comment(s)�::
wow, long entry! I wish I had something constructive to say, but I think that there is just no one place to start. Still here, still reading.. :)
[2004-10-07 12:28:27]
beagle47 :: beagle47's Site
�::beagle47's Comment(s)�::
you, why follow your heart. my guess is after reading this, it will not lead you astray. but, wherever it leads you, write on! -=b47=-
[2004-10-07 16:55:12]
Ilsa :: Ilsa's Site
�::Ilsa's Comment(s)�::
I love you!!!!!
[2004-10-11 20:02:18]
Tessa :: Tessa's Site
�::Tessa's Comment(s)�::
Cat: I would love to meet you. Seriously. Like we talked about, it may have to wait until after the holidays, but I really do want to meet you in real life. You weren't the cause of the problem; it's been an underlying issue ever since I first started blogging. No worries.
Solemne: thank you, sweetie! I'm amazed you got through all of that! Sorry I've been such a bum about writing you lately.
beagle: As always, you are immensely supportive and an all-around lovely person. :) Thank you so much for the encouragement.
Ilsa: I love you more! :) Mwah!
[2004-10-29 02:04:06]
� Tessa Logan, 2003-2005 all writing and pictures unless otherwise noted--in other words, don't steal! Having said that, if you know who took the marvelous picture at the top of this page, please tell me!
